Building a Parenting Shared Plan for Autistic and ADHD Children:
A Guide for Parents
As a parent, you may have faced many challenges and concerns when raising a child with autism or ADHD. You may have questioned your parenting style, felt overwhelmed by the demands of caregiving, and struggled to find support and understanding from others. You may have also faced biases, stigma, and barriers that have affected your family's well-being and inclusion.
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However, you are not alone in this journey. Many other parents have also navigated similar experiences and found ways to build a shared parenting plan that works for their child and family. A shared parenting plan is a flexible, proactive, and collaborative approach to parenting that involves both parents in decision-making, communication, and problem-solving. It aims to balance the needs and rights of the child and parents, and to promote the child's development, autonomy, and happiness.
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In this webpage, we will discuss the dangers of different parenting styles with autistic and ADHD children, and how parents can work toward building a shared approach to parenting. We will provide concrete suggestions and caring advice to guide you in this process, and we will share resources and references for further reading and support. We hope that this webpage will help you feel more confident, empowered, and connected as you navigate the complexities and joys of parenting a special needs child.
Why is a shared parenting plan important for autistic and ADHD children?
Raising a child with autism or ADHD can be a rewarding and enriching experience, but it can also be a demanding and challenging one. Both conditions are neurodevelopmental disorders that affect how a person communicates, interacts, and learns. Children with autism may have difficulties in social communication, social interaction, and repetitive behaviors or interests. Children with ADHD may have difficulties in attention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity. These difficulties can impact the child's ability to function in various settings, such as home, school, and community.
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Moreover, parenting a child with autism or ADHD can be emotionally and physically draining, as it requires a high level of patience, understanding, and support. It can also be isolating, as it may involve dealing with stigma, discrimination, and lack of access to services and resources. Therefore, it is crucial for parents to find ways to cope with these demands and challenges, and to build a supportive and inclusive parenting environment for their child.
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One way to do this is by building a shared parenting plan that involves both parents in the child's care and development. A shared parenting plan can help parents divide responsibilities and tasks, share information and updates, and coordinate their efforts and approaches to parenting. It can also help parents share their strengths and skills, and learn from each other's experiences and perspectives. A shared parenting plan can also promote a positive and respectful relationship between parents, and reduce conflicts and misunderstandings.
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However, building a shared parenting plan is not always easy or straightforward. It requires effort, commitment, and flexibility from both parents. It may also require negotiation, compromise, and communication skills. It may also involve dealing with legal, financial, and logistical issues, such as custody and co-parenting agreements, child support, and shared schedules. Therefore, it is important for parents to be aware of the potential dangers and pitfalls of different parenting styles, and to be proactive and intentional in building a shared parenting plan that meets the needs and preferences of their child and family.
Dangers of different parenting styles with autistic and ADHD children
When building a shared parenting plan, it is important for parents to consider their parenting style and its impact on their child's well-being and development. Parenting style refers to the attitudes, values, and behaviors that parents use to guide, teach, and discipline their child. Parenting style can affect the child's emotional, social, and cognitive development, as well as their self-esteem, resilience, and sense of autonomy.
There are various parenting styles, and no one style is universally superior to others. However, some styles may be more harmful or less effective than others when applied to children with autism or ADHD. In this section, we will discuss three common parenting styles that may be dangerous for autistic and ADHD children, and how parents can avoid or modify them when building a shared parenting plan.
Authoritarian Parenting
Authoritarian parenting is a style that is characterized by high levels of control, strict rules, and little room for negotiation or autonomy. Authoritarian parents tend to be very strict and demanding, and they expect their children to follow their rules and expectations without questioning or discussion. They may use punishment, such as spanking, to enforce obedience and conformity. They may also use rewards, such as praise or privileges, to motivate their children to perform.
Authoritarian parenting may be harmful for autistic and ADHD children, as it may exacerbate their difficulties in following rules and complying with expectations. Children with autism or ADHD may have difficulty interpreting and responding to social cues, such as facial expressions, gestures, and tone of voice. They may also have difficulty understanding and remembering complex or abstract rules, or applying them consistently. They may also have difficulty controlling their impulses, emotions, and behavior, especially in stressful or unfamiliar situations.
Therefore, authoritarian parenting may lead to misunderstandings, miscommunications, and conflicts between parents and children with autism or ADHD. It may also lead to feelings of frustration, anger, or low self-esteem in the child. It may also lead to power struggles and resentment between parents and children. Therefore, it is important for parents to avoid or modify authoritarian parenting when building a shared parenting plan for their child.
Some ways to avoid or modify authoritarian parenting when building a shared parenting plan for an autistic or ADHD child include:
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Communicating clearly and simply: Use simple, concrete, and consistent language to explain rules and expectations to your child. Use visual aids, such as charts, symbols, or photos, to help your child understand and remember the rules. Avoid using jargon, sarcasm, or irony, as they may be confusing or misinterpreted by your child.
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Providing choices and alternatives: Offer your child choices and alternatives within reasonable limits, to help them feel more autonomous and empowered. For example, you can ask your child which activities they prefer, or which tasks they would like to do first. You can also offer them options for rewards or consequences, and let them choose the one they prefer.
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Offering support and guidance: Provide your child with support and guidance, rather than punishment or rewards, to help them learn and grow. For example, you can offer your child positive reinforcement, such as praise, hugs, or stickers, to encourage and celebrate their progress and achievements. You can also offer your child help and assistance, such as prompts, reminders, or breaks, to support their learning and coping skills. You can also offer your child feedback and guidance, such as explanations, examples, or modeling, to help them understand and improve their behavior and performance.
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Being patient and understanding: Be patient and understanding with your child, and try to see things from their perspective. Remember that your child may have difficulties that you do not fully understand or appreciate. Try to listen to your child's feelings and needs, and validate them even if you disagree or do not understand them. Try to be empathetic and supportive, rather than judgmental or critical.
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Seeking professional help: If you feel that your parenting style or your child's behavior is causing significant challenges or conflicts, you may benefit from seeking professional help. You can ask your child's healthcare provider or teacher for recommendations, or you can consult with one of our therapists. They can assess your child's needs and challenges, and provide you with strategies and interventions that are tailored to your child's individual needs.
Permissive Parenting
Permissive parenting is a style that is characterized by low levels of control, lax rules, and high levels of autonomy. Permissive parents tend to be very lenient and indulgent, and they allow their children to make their own decisions and rules without supervision or guidance. They may also avoid setting limits or enforcing consequences, or they may use punishment sparingly and inconsistently. Permissive parents may also be overinvolved in their children's lives, and may try to solve their problems or meet their needs without allowing them to learn and grow independently.
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Permissive parenting may be harmful for autistic and ADHD children, as it may lead to confusion, inconsistency, and insecurity. Children with autism or ADHD may have difficulty understanding and regulating their own behavior, and they may need more structure, predictability, and guidance to feel safe and secure. They may also have difficulty understanding and respecting the boundaries and rights of others, and they may need more clear and consistent limits and expectations to learn and grow.
Therefore, permissive parenting may lead to difficulties in socialization, communication, and learning for children with autism or ADHD. It may also lead to difficulties in managing emotions, behaviors, and relationships, and to a lack of self-esteem and self-control. Therefore, it is important for parents to avoid or modify permissive parenting when building a shared parenting plan for their child.
Some ways to avoid or modify permissive parenting when building a shared parenting plan for an autistic or ADHD child include:
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Setting clear and consistent rules and boundaries: Establish clear and consistent rules and boundaries for your child, and explain the reasons for them. Use simple, concrete, and age-appropriate language to convey the rules and expectations to your child. Use visual aids, such as charts, symbols, or photos, to help your child understand and remember the rules. Post the rules in a visible and accessible place, and review them regularly with your child.
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Enforcing consequences and rewards: Use consequences and rewards as tools to teach your child responsibility and accountability, rather than as threats or bribes. Choose consequences and rewards that are appropriate and meaningful to your child, and that are related to the behavior or task at hand. Be consistent and fair in enforcing consequences and rewards, and avoid using them excessively or arbitrarily.
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Providing structure and predictability: Provide your child with structure and predictability in their daily routine, to help them feel more secure and confident. Use visual schedules, timers, or calendars to help your child understand and prepare for transitions, activities, and tasks. Use routines and rituals to establish patterns and habits that help your child feel more in control and calm. Be flexible and open to changes and modifications, but try to maintain the overall structure and predictability of your child's day.
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Offering guidance and supervision: Offer your child guidance and supervision, rather than doing things for them or solving their problems. Encourage your child to think for themselves and to try new things. Help your child develop problem-solving and coping skills, by asking open-ended questions, providing options and alternatives, and allowing them to make mistakes and learn from them.
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Seeking professional help: If you feel that your parenting style or your child's behavior is causing significant challenges or conflicts, you may benefit from seeking professional help. You can ask your child's healthcare provider or teacher for recommendations, or you can consult with a mental health professional, such as a psychologist, counselor, or social worker. They can assess your child's needs and challenges, and provide you with strategies and interventions that are tailored to your child's individual needs.
Neglectful Parenting
Neglectful parenting is a style that is characterized by very low levels of control, no rules or boundaries, and no supervision or support. Neglectful parents tend to be very indifferent and uninvolved in their children's lives, and they may ignore or neglect their children's basic needs, such as food, shelter, clothing, hygiene, and safety. Neglectful parents may also be unavailable or unresponsive to their children's emotional or social needs, and they may not provide their children with love, attention, or guidance.
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Neglectful parenting is extremely harmful for any child, and it is especially dangerous for children with autism or ADHD, who may have higher needs and vulnerabilities than other children. Children with autism or ADHD may have difficulty communicating or interacting with others, and they may rely on their parents or caregivers for support and guidance. They may also have difficulty adapting to changes or challenges, and they may need more stability, predictability, and nurturing to feel safe and secure.
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Therefore, neglectful parenting can lead to serious and lasting consequences for children with autism or ADHD, such as malnutrition, abuse, neglect, or abandonment. It can also lead to delays in development, socialization, and learning, and to a lack of self-esteem and self-worth. Therefore, it is important for parents to avoid neglectful parenting at all costs when building a shared parenting plan for their child.
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If you feel that you are unable or unwilling to fulfill your parenting responsibilities, or if you feel overwhelmed, stressed, or depressed, it is important to seek help and support. You can ask your child's healthcare provider or teacher for recommendations, or you can consult with a mental health professional, such as a psychologist, counselor, or social worker. You can also reach out to family, friends, or community resources for help and support.
Building a Shared Approach to Parenting
Now that we have discussed the dangers of different parenting styles with autistic and ADHD children, let's turn to how parents can build a shared approach to parenting that promotes the well-being and development of their child. Building a shared parenting plan requires effort, commitment, and flexibility from both parents, and it involves several steps and considerations. In this section, we will discuss four steps that parents can follow when building a shared parenting plan for their child.
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Step 1: Assessing your parenting style and needs
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The first step in building a shared parenting plan is to assess your own parenting style and needs, and to reflect on how they may impact your child's well-being and development. You can start by answering the following questions:
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What are your values and beliefs about parenting? What do you want to teach your child, and how do you want to teach them?
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What are your strengths and skills as a parent? What do you feel confident and competent doing?
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What are your challenges and areas for growth as a parent? What do you find difficult or overwhelming?
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How do you cope with the demands and stresses of parenting a child with autism or ADHD? What helps you feel more balanced and fulfilled?
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How do you envision your shared parenting plan with your co-parent? What are your goals and priorities for your child and family?
Answering these questions can help you identify your parenting style and needs, and how they may align or conflict with your co-parent's style and needs. You can then use this information to communicate and negotiate with your co-parent about your shared parenting plan, and to identify areas for improvement and growth.
You can also seek feedback and support from others, such as your child's healthcare provider or teacher, or a mental health professional, to get a more objective and comprehensive view of your parenting style and needs. You can also seek support and guidance from parenting groups, workshops, or online resources, to learn from others' experiences and strategies.
Step 2: Setting goals and boundaries for your shared parenting plan
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The second step in building a shared parenting plan is to set goals and boundaries for your child and family. Goals are specific and measurable targets that you aim to achieve through your shared parenting plan. They can be short-term or long-term, and they can be related to your child's development, behavior, or well-being.
Examples of goals for a shared parenting plan for an autistic or ADHD child may include:
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Improving communication and social skills
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Reducing tantrums and outbursts
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Increasing independence and self-help skills
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Enhancing academic or recreational performance
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Promoting physical and mental health and well-being
Boundaries are limits and expectations that you set for your child and family, to help them feel safe, respected, and responsible. Boundaries can be related to behavior, routines, schedules, or rules. Examples of boundaries for a shared parenting plan for an autistic or ADHD child may include:
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Respect for others' feelings and rights
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Safety and hygiene rules
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Bedtime and sleep routines
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Homework and screen time rules
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Rewards and consequences for positive and negative behaviors
Setting goals and boundaries for your shared parenting plan can help you and your co-parent define your shared vision and expectations for your child and family. It can also help you and your co-parent divide responsibilities and tasks, and coordinate your efforts and approaches to parenting. It can also help you and your co-parent communicate and problem-solve when conflicts or challenges arise.
When setting goals and boundaries for your shared parenting plan, it is important to involve your child in the process, and to take their needs and preferences into consideration. You can ask your child for their input and feedback, and involve them in decision-making and problem-solving. You can also use age-appropriate language and visuals to explain the goals and boundaries to your child, and to involve them in setting and reviewing them.
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Step 3: Communicating and problem-solving with your co-parent
The third step in building a shared parenting plan is to communicate and problem-solve with your co-parent effectively and respectfully. Communication and problem-solving are essential skills for any successful shared parenting plan, as they allow you and your co-parent to share information, updates, and concerns, and to resolve conflicts and misunderstandings.
Effective communication with your co-parent involves:
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Listening actively and attentively to your co-parent's perspective and feelings
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Speaking clearly and honestly about your own perspective and feelings
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Using respectful and non-violent language, even when you disagree or are upset
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Asking open-ended questions and seeking clarification to better understand your co-parent's point of view
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Using "I" statements, rather than "you" statements, to express your own feelings and needs
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Avoiding assumptions, blame, or criticism, and focusing on the issue or problem at hand
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Effective problem-solving with your co-parent involves:
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Identifying the issue or problem clearly and objectively
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Brainstorming possible solutions together
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Evaluating the pros and cons of each solution
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Choosing a solution that meets the needs and preferences of both parties, and that is feasible and realistic
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Implementing the solution and following up to see how it is working
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Modifying the solution if necessary, based on feedback and evaluation​
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Communication and problem-solving may not always be easy or smooth, especially when you and your co-parent have different parenting styles or perspectives. However, with practice and patience, you can improve your skills and build a more positive and effective relationship with your co-parent.
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If you find it difficult to communicate or problem-solve with your co-parent, you can seek help and support from a neutral third party, such as a mediator, counselor, or coach. They can provide you with tools and strategies to improve your communication and problem-solving skills, and to resolve conflicts and misunderstandings in a more constructive and healthy way.
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Step 4: Seeking support and resources for your shared parenting plan
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The fourth step in building a shared parenting plan is to seek support and resources that can help you and your co-parent navigate the challenges and demands of parenting a child with autism or ADHD. There are many resources and support systems available to parents of children with special needs, and they can provide you with information, guidance, and emotional support.
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Some sources of support and resources for parents of children with autism or ADHD include:
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Healthcare providers: Your child's healthcare provider, such as a pediatrician, psychologist, or occupational therapist, can provide you with medical, developmental, and therapeutic guidance and support. They can also refer you to specialists or resources that are specific to your child's needs and challenges.
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Teachers and schools: Your child's teacher or school can provide you with educational, social, and emotional support for your child. They can also provide you with information about your child's progress and needs, and about accommodations or modifications that may be helpful for your child.
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Support groups and workshops: Support groups and workshops can provide you with a sense of community and belonging, and with opportunities to learn from and connect with other parents of children with special needs. You can find support groups and workshops through your child's healthcare provider, school, or community center, or online.
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Online resources: There are many online resources available for parents of children with autism or ADHD, such as websites, blogs, forums, and social media groups. These resources can provide you with information, tips, and support from other parents and professionals.​
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Seeking support and resources for your shared parenting plan can help you and your co-parent feel more informed, empowered, and resilient as parents. It can also help you and your co-parent learn from and connect with others who are facing similar challenges and opportunities.
Final Words
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Parenting a child with autism or ADHD can be a rewarding and challenging experience, and building a shared parenting plan can be an essential part of this journey. A shared parenting plan involves assessing your parenting style and needs, setting goals and boundaries, communicating and problem-solving with your co-parent, and seeking support and resources. By following these steps and considerations, you and your co-parent can work together to create a shared approach to parenting that promotes the well-being and development of your child.
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A shared parenting plan is not a one-time or fixed process, but rather a dynamic and ongoing process that may require adjustments and adaptations as your child and family grow and change. It is important to be flexible and open to feedback and evaluation, and to seek help and support when needed. It is also important to be patient and understanding with yourself and your co-parent, and to recognize and celebrate the small and big achievements and milestones of your child and family.
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Parenting a child with autism or ADHD can be a challenging and rewarding journey, and building a shared parenting plan can be an essential part of this journey. By assessing your parenting style and needs, setting goals and boundaries, communicating and problem-solving with your co-parent, and seeking support and resources, you and your co-parent can work together to create a shared approach to parenting that promotes the well-being and development of your child. Remember to be patient, understanding, and flexible, and to seek help and support when needed. With effort, commitment, and collaboration, you and your co-parent can build a shared parenting plan that meets the needs and challenges of your child and family.