Performance Anxiety Loop

Performance anxiety pulls people out of the body and into the head. The loop typically runs: worry → spectatoring → physical response stalls → more worry. Each round shrinks the safe space for sex. This worksheet maps your version of the loop — the triggers, the body cues, what helps you interrupt it. Fill it out alone first, then share with your partner if it feels safe to.

Safety note: This worksheet is for consensual relationships where both partners can say yes, no, wait, or stop without punishment. Do not use this worksheet to pressure sexual activity. If there is fear, coercion, retaliation, active abuse, trauma flooding, pain, shutdown, or dissociation, pause and use this with a qualified therapist.

Important: Performance anxiety is not a character flaw. For many people it follows a single rough episode and snowballs from there. If erection changes, pain, or other physical symptoms are persistent, please also talk to a medical provider — not all sexual problems are psychological.

Name

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Date

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1 — What triggers your loop

Tick every trigger that fits.

• [ ] Memory of a past episode (ED, lost erection, pain, orgasm trouble)
• [ ] New partner / new situation
• [ ] After a long break from sex
• [ ] Pressure to perform (real or perceived)
• [ ] Tiredness, alcohol, medication side effects
• [ ] Tension before initiating
• [ ] Specific sensory inputs (light, sound, smell, room)
• [ ] Body-image worry in the moment
• [ ] Fear of disappointing partner
• [ ] RSD around a partner's response

Other triggers specific to me

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2 — What the loop feels like in my body

First sensation (early warning)

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Mid-loop (when I notice I'm in it)

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Late-loop (when I've checked out)

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3 — What my head does

The repeating thoughts. The grading. The watching-myself voice.

The voice in my head says (verbatim, if you can)

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4 — What interrupts the loop

List things that have actually pulled you back into the moment — even briefly. Be specific.

A specific sensation to focus on (warmth, breath, partner's skin)

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A phrase from my partner (what specifically?)

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Slowing the pace / taking a pause

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Naming the anxiety out loud ('I'm in my head')

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Stopping for tonight without it being a failure

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A sensate-focus-style step (no pressure to escalate)

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5 — The ND layer

If you're ND, performance anxiety often interlocks with monotropism, RSD anticipation, and masking exhaustion. Which is loudest for you right now?

• [ ] Monotropic focus — once the worry has my attention, it's very hard to redirect.
• [ ] RSD anticipation — I'm bracing for partner's reaction before anything has happened.
• [ ] Masking fatigue — I've been performing all day; I have nothing left.
• [ ] Sensory overload — the room itself is too much.
• [ ] Demand avoidance / shutdown — the more 'should' I feel, the less I can do.

Plan one small experiment: Pick one interrupt from section 4. Try it next time the loop starts. Don't aim to fix everything — aim to interrupt the loop once. Track what happens.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The intimacy session for a neurodiverse couple: what gets in the way, how to invite and say no, a touch card, and when to see a specialist.
• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Sex and intimacy for neurodivergent bodies: sensory load, masking, direct communication, and consent.
• Anxiety and Intolerance of Uncertainty, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Why anxiety is so common in autism, ADHD & AuDHD — intolerance of uncertainty, the loops that keep it going, and tools that help.