Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)/ Persistent Drive for Autonomy
When "Just Do It" Triggers a Meltdown
For some neurodivergent kids, even the simplest request—"Brush your teeth," "Put your shoes on"—can trigger panic. PDA, or Persistent Drive for Autonomy, isn’t about disobedience.
It’s about self-preservation. The more pressure they feel, the more their system says nope. It’s not misbehavior. It’s a nervous system trying to survive.
What It Feels Like (For Your Child)
It’s not that they don’t want to comply.
It’s that they can’t—not when their body is on red alert. Your child may freeze, lash out, cry, scream, run, or collapse. From the outside, it looks like defiance. But inside? It's pure overwhelm.
Imagine every demand—getting dressed, logging into school, joining a family outing—feeling like a trap. Like you’re being forced. Your child isn’t trying to control you—they’re desperately trying to stay in control of themselves.
Real Research. Real Relief.
PDA was first described by Elizabeth Newson in the 1980s and is increasingly recognized as a distinct autism profile. Research shows it’s deeply tied to anxiety and a hypersensitive response to perceived loss of autonomy.
Brain studies point to overactivity in the amygdala—the brain’s alarm system. That means ordinary tasks can be interpreted as danger. When parents understand this, they can stop fighting their child and start working with them.
Parenting a PDA Child
Parenting a child with PDA can feel like walking on a minefield. One wrong move—one tiny ask—and boom. You’re dealing with a meltdown. Or total shutdown. Or both.
You may feel exhausted, confused, or even blamed. You’ve tried rewards. You’ve tried consequences. Nothing works. That’s because traditional parenting approaches don’t account for PDA’s unique wiring.
It’s not about authority. It’s about safety.
The Parent Trap
When your child refuses, your instinct might be to push harder. To remind. To insist. But that fuels the anxiety spiral.
Here’s the cycle we often see:
-
Parent makes a request.
-
Child feels anxious.
-
Child avoids.
-
Parent insists.
-
Child panics or explodes.
-
Parent explodes too.
Sound familiar? You're not alone—and you're not failing. You're caught in a loop that can be broken, once you understand what's actually going on.
What Actually Works
Instead of commands, offer choices. Instead of consequences, offer connection. Instead of saying, “You need to,” try, “How do you want to handle this?”
Some tools that work beautifully:
-
Collaborative problem-solving
-
Playful prompts ("Race you to the car!")
-
Visual schedules with opt-out options
-
Giving autonomy in low-stakes areas
-
Letting your child lead—on their terms
Connection before correction. Curiosity before control. It’s not permissive—it’s strategic.
What We Do Differently
At the Parenting Autism Therapy Center, we specialize in PDA-informed support.
That means:
-
We work with the nervous system, not against it.
-
We teach parents how to reduce pressure without losing boundaries.
-
We help your child build trust, autonomy, and resilience—without shame.
You don’t have to guess what’s next. We’ll walk with you through it.
Meet Rachel Wheeler — PDA Parenting Specialist ♾️
Rachel Wheeler is more than a licensed therapist—she’s a PDA-informed parent, an autistic adult, and a national expert on the intersection of autism, ADHD, and extreme demand avoidance.
She’s raising a PDA child herself. She’s walked this road.
Rachel doesn’t push or pressure.
She brings deep calm, smart strategies, and lived experience that parents immediately trust. Whether you need help understanding your child, managing daily meltdowns, or learning new tools—Rachel’s the one you want in your corner.
👉 Check out Rachel’s bio and, if it resonates, fill out the contact form and request Rachel by name.
Let’s Rewrite the Script
PDA doesn’t have to mean daily chaos.
It can become the roadmap to a more connected, respectful, and empowered family life.
We’d be honored to walk with you.
