The History and Philosophy of Your Marriage

Many couples go years — decades, even — without ever sitting down and telling each other the story of their relationship. This exercise creates that space. It asks how you came together, what you have been through, and what you each believe marriage is for.

Complete this worksheet once per partner, separately. Each of you works through the questions on your own copy first, making rough notes, and then you compare answers and talk them through. The differences between your two versions are the most useful part of the exercise — you are not trying to produce one agreed account.

If you are marriage preparation clients, complete the standard questions and skip any marked with an asterisk (*) — those are written for couples with a longer shared history. If you are marriage counseling clients, complete every question, including the starred ones.

Stop before it becomes a fight: If a question feels too sensitive, or you can feel a conversation starting to escalate, stop and agree to bring it to your next session. These questions exist to open conversation, not to start an argument. Ending a question early and handing it to your therapist is a success, not a failure.

You set the pace: Some of these questions touch hard periods — losses, near-endings, things that have never been said out loud. You are always in control of what you share and when. Skip anything you are not ready for, note it in a word if that is easier, and bring it to your session.

Part One: The History of Your Relationship

These questions invite you to revisit and share the story of how you came together. Even couples of many years often discover new things about each other's memories and perceptions when they take the time to tell it.

1. How did the two of you meet and get together?

• What was your first impression of your partner?
• Was there anything that made them stand out from others you had met?
• Did you feel drawn to them right away, or did your feelings develop over time?

Your answer

e.g. Rough notes are fine — you will talk this through together.

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

2. What do you remember most about the period when you were first dating?

• How long did you know each other before you got engaged or committed?
• What were some highlights of that time? Some tensions?
• What kinds of things did you do together?

Your answer

e.g. Rough notes are fine — you will talk this through together.

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

3. How did you decide to get married? Of all the people in the world, what led you to choose this person?

• Was it an easy decision or a difficult one?
• Were you in love? What did that feel like?

Your answer

e.g. Rough notes are fine — you will talk this through together.

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

4. What do you remember about your engagement and wedding?

• What stands out most from that time?
• Were there moments of stress or conflict? How did you navigate them?

Your answer

e.g. Rough notes are fine — you will talk this through together.

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

5.* What do you remember about the first year of your marriage?

• Were there adjustments you needed to make — in how you lived, communicated, or understood each other?
• Were there any surprises about what marriage was actually like?

Your answer

e.g. Rough notes are fine — you will talk this through together.

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

6.* What was the transition to becoming parents like for the two of you?

• How did it change your relationship?
• Were you on the same page about parenting, or did differences emerge?

Your answer

e.g. Rough notes are fine — you will talk this through together.

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

7. Looking back over the years, what moments stand out as the really happy times in your marriage?

• What does a good time look like for you as a couple?
• Has that changed over the years?

Your answer

e.g. Rough notes are fine — you will talk this through together.

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

8. Most relationships go through periods of ups and downs. Can you describe some of those periods in your marriage?

• What caused the difficult periods?
• What helped you come back together?

Your answer

e.g. Rough notes are fine — you will talk this through together.

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

9.* What moments stand out as the hardest times in your marriage?

• Why do you think you stayed together?
• What did you learn about each other — or about yourselves — during those hard times?

Your answer

e.g. Rough notes are fine — you will talk this through together.

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

10.* Have you stopped doing things together that once gave you pleasure?

• What activities, rituals, or habits have faded from your relationship?
• Is there anything you miss? Anything you would like to bring back?

Your answer

e.g. Rough notes are fine — you will talk this through together.

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Part Two: Your Philosophy of Marriage

The beliefs and assumptions you carry about marriage — most of them absorbed from your family of origin before you knew you had them — shape how you show up as a partner. This section makes those beliefs explicit so you can compare them with your partner's.

11. Why do you think some marriages work while others don't?

• Think of two couples you know — one whose relationship you admire, and one whose relationship concerns you. What is different about them?
• How does your marriage compare to each?

Your answer

e.g. Rough notes are fine — you will talk this through together.

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

12. Talk to each other about your parents' marriages.

• Would you describe your parents' relationship as a model you want to follow, or one you want to do differently?
• In what ways has your parents' marriage — for better or worse — influenced your own?

Your answer

e.g. Rough notes are fine — you will talk this through together.

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

13. Use the Relationship Timeline below to map the history of your relationship.

• What were the happiest periods for you? For your partner?
• Where are the biggest gaps between your ratings?
• What patterns do you notice across the arc of your relationship?

Your answer

e.g. Rough notes are fine — you will talk this through together.

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

Appendix: Relationship Timeline

Fill in the timeline on your own copy. For each period, rate the relationship from 1 (very difficult) to 10 (very fulfilling), and note the key events, turning points, or themes that defined that time. You do not need to agree with your partner's ratings — the disagreement is part of what makes this worth doing. Leave a period blank if it does not apply to you yet.

Relationship timeline

Before we met

• Rating (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
• Key events, turning points and notes: ____________________

First 6 months dating

• Rating (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
• Key events, turning points and notes: ____________________

6-12 months dating

• Rating (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
• Key events, turning points and notes: ____________________

Engagement

• Rating (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
• Key events, turning points and notes: ____________________

First year married

• Rating (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
• Key events, turning points and notes: ____________________

Years 2-3

• Rating (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
• Key events, turning points and notes: ____________________

Years 4-5

• Rating (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
• Key events, turning points and notes: ____________________

Years 6-10

• Rating (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
• Key events, turning points and notes: ____________________

Years 11-15

• Rating (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
• Key events, turning points and notes: ____________________

Years 16-20

• Rating (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
• Key events, turning points and notes: ____________________

Years 21-25

• Rating (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
• Key events, turning points and notes: ____________________

Year 26 onwards

• Rating (1-10) (1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10): ____________________
• Key events, turning points and notes: ____________________

Once you have both filled in your timelines, lay them side by side. Where are the biggest gaps between your two ratings, and what do those gaps tell you? Where have you grown most as a couple?

When you have both finished, upload your copies to your client portal and let your therapist know — ideally at least a day before your session. Your individual submission is not shared with your partner without your express consent.

Parts One and Two are adapted from Gottman, J. and Silver, N., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999).

Two true versions, one marriage: You are not going to remember this the same way, and you are not supposed to. Two honest accounts of the same years is not a contradiction to resolve — it is the first real look at what your partner was actually living through while you were living through something else.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Drawing the Family, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The family tree and timeline your therapist draws while you talk, and the patterns in your family you then look at together.
• Your Childhood Wound, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The family-of-origin session, step by step: three questions about then, three about now, your partner saying each set back, and what you need this week.